We’re finally at the final part of how another evangelical girl became Catholic! 🥳 If you haven’t already, I’d highly recommend reading part 1, part 2, and part 3 to understand a lot of context around the wild journey the Lord had me on. As always, if you have any questions, my comments section and IG dms are open (@mrs.kalynjeanpaige).

Summer 2024 — Denver, CO

On a sunny summer day in the middle of all my research, I started reading The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer for fun. I know, I know, the book everyone claims changed their lives. This is one actually did, though. Just like when I worked for the nuns (read more about that here), my daily habits slowly began to change and steady after a season of so much change. I woke up and spent time in silence with the Lord, slowly sipping my coffee instead of scrolling (I need to bring this practice back into my life now lol). I took long prayer walks instead of binging Youtube videos. The more I rested into a slower pace of life and invited the Lord’s presence in, the more I noticed Him moving in my life. I quickly began to wonder, why in the world don’t churches teach how to actually, practically abide in Jesus instead of creating yet another discipleship group complete with a free mug.

I very quickly began to realize the practical way of abiding in Jesus is the very heartbeat of the Catholic Church, the very rhythm that called the Apostles to follow Christ and even be martyred for Him. What we know as sainthood is really a lifelong of learning to abide in Jesus through practical, ancient practices.

Late summer 2024 — my local parish

By the end of summer, I was on the very edge of becoming Catholic, but just needed the final nudge from the Lord to take the leap. I sat in my typical back pew of my local Catholic parish on a random Tuesday (yes, the same one that I made a promise to the Lord about). The priest’s sermon that day literally laid out all the research I had done over the summer point for point. I was shocked. After Mass, I ran straight to the priest and told him what the Lord had been doing (I’m a shy girl, so this actually took a big dose of courage for me). He immediately introduced me to RCIA (now OCIA), the confirmation program for adults to become Catholic.

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Late summer 2024 — my therapist’s office

Around the same time, my therapist had a little intervention meeting with me and recommended that I go back on Hinge. I’d always dreamed of being married, and she finally convinced me I wasn’t going to find my man by just sitting around. I reactivated my profile and immediately froze up on what to put for religion. It suddenly hit me that I couldn’t imagine not going to Mass for the rest of my life and not raising my future family Catholic. I wanted my future kids to be as well prepared to walk with Jesus as possible. I officially put Christian/Catholic in my bio.

Very soon after, I matched with the most handsome Catholic firefighter I’ve ever seen. He had the biggest, sweetest smile, and my heart melted when I saw he included pictures of him with people with special needs.

Our first date was at a local restaurant that I had gone to before many homecoming dances. Heston was even more handsome in real life.

“Do you believe that it’s possible to achieve sainthood in this life time?” he asked. “Absolutely” I answered.

As we kept talking, the Lord very quickly began moving. We found out Heston actually went to the same high school as my brother (the one who has Down syndrome who I’m the caregiver for) and was in a volunteer program where he was friends with my brother and helped him out in classes! We also realized we grew up 2 minutes away from each other and were both attending the same parish, the very one that I prayed I would become Catholic if I found a church like it.

I instantly knew this man was (and is) the love of my life. A few weeks into us dating, he was sent on deployment to fight wildfires in California. We FaceTimed every night through bad phone service and everything. When he got back, he surprised me with the most beautiful pearly rosary. This wasn’t just any old rosary, though…

Ladies (and gentlemen), this man and his crew drove to the retreat house I used to work at, met the nuns I’m friends with, and got a rosary from them!

I have to mention, when I worked for the Catholic nuns, I always said I would introduce the man I was dating to them to get a vibe check. This man went out of his way and introduced himself to them on his own!

A very long 4 months later, we were engaged, and we got married a year later on the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe! Never have I ever had the Lord work so strongly and clearly in my life. It’s only by the grace of God that I met my husband.

Fall-Spring 2024-2025 — my local parish

So, back to confirmation and the Sacraments…

RCIA was definitely a humbling time for me. Unlike most quick “get connected complete with a free t-shirt” Protestant membership classes I had attended (and decided not to follow through on), RCIA is an eight month program of meeting every Tuesday evening to discuss the entire story of Scripture, the history and tradition of Christianity, and ensuring you are well equipped with practices, resources, and community to deepen your walk with Jesus and sustain it throughout your life. On top of this, every Sunday we were called to the front of the Church after the reading of Scripture and homily (sermon). There, the priest would bless us and send us off to do a mini Bible study while the rest of the church received communion. As a self-proclaimed introvert who prided myself on my knowledge of Scripture and theology, this was so humbling (in the best possible way). For me, this was weekly standing up in front of a group of people I really respected and barely knew and saying, “I don’t know everything I wish I did about Jesus and Christian history, please pray for me”. It was the Lord’s way of pushing me into a childlike faith, of depending on Him and not relying on my own patterns of pride.

I’d say one of the primary differences I noticed between the Catholic Church and many Protestant churches I went to were the sacraments. I will say, the Anglican Church definitely did honor the sacraments, but not quite to the extent that the Catholic Church does. Sacraments are different ways the Lord implemented to give us his grace (strength) so that we can be sanctified into Saints. Sacraments are made up of matter and form — a physical reality to connect us to each spiritual reality, similar to how our bodies are the physical reality that presents our spiritual reality of our souls.

One thing that was so freeing for me in confirmation classes was learning that the Catholic Church does not support total depravity. They do not preach that there is no good in us and that anything we do is probably bad (see my first post on more about how I was taught this growing up). Instead, they teach that by God’s grace we were made good and chose bad by our free will. Baptism cleanses us from the original sin of Adam and Eve and plants a seed to follow Christ. It’s our choice throughout life whether we want to follow Jesus or not (as Paul says, it’s a constant battle between the flesh and the spirit) but by God’s grace, we do have goodness in us and can choose a friendship with Him where He transforms us into who we’re created to be as we abide in Him. This was so healing to me. No longer did I see myself as bad with no capacity for good, but rather good in need of healing from my flesh and sin.

A little before confirmation, I went to my first confession. This was one of the sacraments that I had to experience to fully understand.

I sat with a priest (the same one who introduced me to RCIA/OCIA) and listed off every sin that I could remember throughout my whole life. My heart was racing, yet, the more I confessed the lighter I felt. By the end, I was weeping as Father read the verse about the Prodigal’s son to me and assured me that Jesus loves me, He’s so infinitely happy that I ran back to Him, and that I am forgiven in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

You know the part of Voyage of the Dawn Trader where Eustace was a dragon and Aslan rips off his scales one by one until he was fully himself again? That’s exactly how it felt. I had confessed my sins to God my whole life and felt like I was trying to rip off my own scales and detach from my sins, but they just kept getting more calloused. In confession, Jesus, working through the priest (in persona Christi), directly and lovingly cut to my core and restored me to be fully who God created me to be. Jesus met me in the confessional and is always there waiting for me with His loving presence to restore me whenever I inevitably follow the way of sin again.

Confirmation night — my local parish

I was confirmed on the night before Easter. The Easter vigil is one of the most beautiful church services I’ve ever been to. The Scripture readings outlined the entire story of the Bible and salvation in a packed, candlelit church. When it was my time to be confirmed, the Priest anointed my head with oil and read out the name of my confirmation Saint, Saint Therese of Liseaux. Saint Therese was a Carmelite nun (just like the nuns I worked for) who focused on living the little way. She taught that living a good Christian life isn’t about doing a couple big things for God, but rather surrendering our daily activities to Him and learning how to live in friendship with Him in our ordinary lives. This resonated so much with my own philosophy of gentle living, of choosing to live gently with the Lord in every moment.

And that’s the story of how I became Catholic :)

My husband and I still attend the same parish that I fell in love with so many Ash Wednesdays ago, and I try my best to live the little way and continually rely on God’s grace (while also constantly falling and constantly repenting). In fact, that’s kind of what this whole substack is about; noticing that every little moment is an opportunity to gently grow closer to Jesus and who He created us to be. I love to celebrate every little moment and search for the presence of Jesus in it all.

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A few resources that really changed my life during this journey:

Ruthless Elimination of Hurry: Everyone truly needs to read this book.

Paul McCusker’s story: If you were as immersed in Evangelical culture as I was growing up, you also loved Adventures in Odyssey (still love that show, my future kids will definitely be listening to it). Paul McCusker was a key writer and producer on that show that has a super similar story to my own.

Father Michael Ward’s story: While researching, I found out that my former Oxford professor who is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known (he would probably cringe if he knew I said that) converted to Catholicism and became a priest. You can listen to his story here :)

Bible in a Year: This is great if you’re busy and looking for a Bible study to listen to. Father Mike Schmitz is awesome.

Catechism in a Year: This wasn’t out yet when I was researching the Catholic Church (I ended up reading a kid’s Catechism alongside the regular one because it is DENSE), but Father Mike again does a fantastic job of breaking down what the Catechism actually says.

Didache Bible: I was gifted this Bible when I started RCIA and I love it so so much! Its footnotes are commentary from the Catechism and it shows where everything in the Catechism actually comes from.

Final Thoughts!!!

Thank you so much for coming along this journey with me! If you know someone who is wrestling with what their next steps in their walk with the Lord is, feel free to share this with them :) As I’ve mentioned, my dms and comments are always open (I love chatting about this stuff!)

I have two upcoming series: one deep diving into the theology, history, and philosophy of Catholic hot takes and another on what it looks like to approach fashion and beauty as a Christian (think chats about botox, Mother Teresa, and the Pope making Vogue’s best dressed). I can’t wait to chat with you guys about all of this! Feel free to subscribe to stay updated on my future series :)

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Know that I’m praying for you and I’m here if you have any questions!

Lots of love,

Kalyn

Welcome back for part 3 of how another evangelical girl became Catholic! I’d highly recommend checking out part 1 and part 2 before reading this section. This part will be a little bit different. I’m going to keep sharing a bit of my story, but also specifically look at the controversial differences between the Catholic Church and the Protestant church.

Even though we’re about to get a little spicy, I also want to approach this conversation with all kindness. I have so many dear Protestant friends who inspire my own faith, and I think at the end of the day we should seek unity and to encourage each other as followers of Jesus. That being said, I also think this church history and longstanding Church doctrine can be so helpful for every follower of Jesus. I know it wildly deepened my relationship with Him, and I hope brings you closer to Him too, no matter where you’re at :)

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2023, a chapel on the campus of a retreat house run by Catholic Nuns, Los Angeles

The night before I flew off to Colorado to help my family and eventually become my brother’s caregiver, the Sisters I worked for were sweet enough to let me spend some extra time in the chapel on their campus. I won’t go too in depth about this experience as it was such a tender time with the Lord, but I had an experience where I so clearly sensed the presence of Jesus, Mother Mary, and all the Saints in heaven with me. My heavenly family. Even though my life felt like it was shattering apart, I knew I had a forever family in Heaven.

2023-2024, Colorado

I landed in my home state of snowy, endless plains framed by soft slopes of mountains, so quiet in contrast to my crowded 200 square feet of L.A. I immediately hit the ground running with some of the most tender and most terrifying life circumstances I’ve ever gone through. One of my older friends from seminary always said that I had the life experience of a 40 year old, and this season might’ve added an extra decade to my internal age.

Whenever things felt especially terrifying, I would wake up at dawn to go to Mass at a local Catholic parish. Stained glass windows with candlelit liturgies turned into my safe haven very quickly. In the peaceful breaks in between, I would try to search once more for my Protestant home church. Charismatic strayed too far from Scripture, Evangelical wasn’t charismatic enough, Baptist churches were too biased towards men, and the roots of Anglican churches still bothered me. Around and around I went, trying to find a stable sanctuary until one day, I broke.

I was driving to my modern Baptist church and suddenly got a gut-wrenching urge never to go back. I went to a local vintage store instead, bought a cross necklace, and smiled at Saint Francis in statue form before venting to my sweet, lifelong friend over a pot of tea. That’s when she asked the golden words,

“Who’s authority are you willing to be under?”

And that brings us back to the start of this story. I dove headfirst into researching the authority of the Catholic Church.

You may or may not be searching for a full apologetics document with every historical detail as to why Catholics believe Mary was assumed into Heaven or what Papal infallibility is.

This isn’t going to be that. Even after a few months of rough drafts and a few years of research, what I have for you is a raw, messy piece of a little bit of history, a little bit of philosophy, and a little bit of personal experience.

Some of my conclusions came from the Lord shifting my soul in faith through a whole lot of late night prayer and revelations I just simply don’t have the words for. It was a kaleidoscope of beautiful events and epiphanies layered one after another to form a full picture of the Catholic Church. This is me trying to briefly capture a few of those little late night revelations for you. I’m praying about doing a further deep dive into each of these topics and more, so there will probably be a more thorough series coming soon (let me know if there’s any topics you’d like me to cover more deeply!).

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Which Bible is right?

I walked into one of my favorite antique markets one hot summer day (actually in search of a vintage rosary, I believe), and stumbled upon an antique Catholic Bible. Its yellowed pages were well loved and annotated, just the way I like to keep mine. Panic hit me as I came face to face with the reality that there were 7 extra books that weren’t in the Protestant Bible.

I had heard about the apocrypha a long time ago in seminary and actually really wanted to read it (some Protestant Bibles had started adding it in again recently which made me feel relieved), but I couldn’t fully understand why those books were added in the Catholic Bible but not the Protestant. Back in my evangelical school, we were always taught that God was silent for roughly 400 years between the Old Testament and the New Testament. This seemed so odd to me. Why would the Creator of the Universe just do absolutely nothing for so long? God can choose to do what He wants, but that just seemed uncharacteristic.

As I researched the Apocrypha, I realized these books recorded the history and the movement of God throughout those 400 years and were found in the Septuagint; the oldest form of the Old Testament that we have access to.

Ultimately, from my understanding, the early church often circulated the Septuagint as their source for the Old Testament (which aligns more with the Catholic Bible), while some bishops also preferred the Masoretic version of the Old Testament (which aligns more with the Protestant Bible). Ultimately, at the Council of Rome where Bishops got together and discerned with the Holy Spirit which books should officially be circulated to the Churches, the Septuagint was decided upon for the Old Testament. To my knowledge, this remained the official canon of Scripture (reaffirmed in various councils) until Martin Luther argued to move the Apocrypha to the appendix during the Protestant revolution, and eventually, the books were removed all together from the Protestant Bible.1

For me, the answer came back to this question: whose authority are you willing to be under? I ultimately had two options: the historical early church who put time and effort into carefully discerning all together with the Holy Spirit which books should be part of the Bible or Martin Luther. Would I trust the early church or the man who started the Protestant revolution? Would I rather align with the Church who put the Bible together in the first place or the man who wanted to change it?

Sola Scriptura vs. Sacred Scripture + Sacred Tradition

Okay, so, it’s been established that we love the Bible. The Bible is the infallible Word of God to humanity. All Protestants and Catholics can agree on that to my knowledge. When I started looking into Sacred Tradition, I realized it mirrored exactly what I’d been learning in my beloved Christian spiritual formation classes and from my sweet friendships with Saints and Church fathers.

Let’s get a bit more technical for a minute: tradition is essentially the lens we use to interpret Scripture and apply it to our life as well as the official teaching of the Church that has been passed down from the apostles. Each denomination has their own personal tradition (theology, doctrine, practices, and hermeneutics) they use to interpret Scripture. Our job is to discern which one is the most reliable tradition/interpretation. I personally realized I trust the denomination where the interpretation was passed down straight from the apostles who walked with Jesus and their disciples more than any other denomination that was derived from it and freshly rebranded and reimagined by a millennial right out of seminary (or any interpretations from the historical schisms for that matter). I also want to clarify, the Catholic Church totally affirms personal revelation and application of Scripture through the Holy Spirit. Sacred Tradition and Sacred Scripture act as a safeguards to help us discern what is truly the voice of God in our lives.

Is the Pope perfect? Is he trustworthy?

Okay, so while I was working for nuns, I quickly realized I aligned with probably 85% of Catholic theology more than I aligned with the theology of any local Protestant church I could find. My seminary studies were all about how we must open our hearts to the sanctification and transformation of the Lord in His loving friendship versus just believe we are saved and free to do whatever we liked with our lives from there. I honestly was on the brink of becoming Catholic. I don’t know who brought it up, but somehow I caught word of Papal Infallibility and completely shut down to Catholic theology. We can’t claim that a random human 2000 years after the life of Christ is perfect, that just did not make sense.

What I realized in my 1am research was that Catholics don’t believe this either. It’s actually a heresy to believe the Pope is sinless. Papal Infallibility refers to super special, rare circumstances when the Pope may affirm or clarify a historical church teaching and/or tradition.

Okay, I’m going to be so real here, I want to be so so careful writing about this without accidentally committing a heresy myself, so I’m going to drop this beautiful quote from John LaBarbara from Saint John Vianney Seminary instead of trying to explain the safeguards of Papal infallibility in my own words:

“The Church’s Magisterium (the Pope and Bishops in communion with him—CCC 100) exists to pass on only the truths of the faith taught by Jesus and the Apostles (Vatican II, Dei Verbum, 10; CCC 86; CDF, Donum Veritatis, 14). The only time it exercises the charism of infallibility is when it speaks concerning these truths (Dei Verbum, 10). In fact, it is specifically prohibited from coming up with new doctrines or from contradicting the prior teachings of the Magisterium as represented in the Scriptures, the Church Fathers, the Doctors of the Church, and prior magisterial documents (Vatican I, Decrees, sess. 4, chap 4, par. 6). These prior teachings are called “irreformable” because they cannot, under any circumstances, be changed. The Church simply has no authority to do so (Vatican I, Dei Filius, sess. 4, chap 4, par. 9; Pope St. John Paul II, Ordinatio Sacerdotalis, 4).”2

When the Pope makes an infallible statement, he is not saying that the Lord struck him with a lightening bolt and he suddenly has a brand new Church doctrine or that he is somehow on the same level of Jesus himself. He is simply reaffirming and clarifying what Christ, the early Church, the Bible, and the Church as a whole has already taught.

Let’s also just chat real fast about why the Pope even has authority in the first place. Christian history (aka Sacred Tradition) interprets Matthew 16:18 as talking about building the Church on Peter. This is affirmed through the succession of Peter as the head of the Church on earth (acting ultimately as the hands and feet of Christ to the Church) that has been recorded since the early church to modern times. This resource straight from the Vatican is one of my all time favorites, as it records every pope in an unbroken line of succession since Saint Peter. Wild!

Ultimately, the Holy Spirit has kept the Pope as the head of the Church on earth since Peter, and I trust the Holy Spirit’s movement and the Church’s tradition, so I trust the Pope.

Purgatory

This one was a weird one to wrestle with. I think I had somehow picked up on a niche Protestant belief that Purgatory referred to a torture chamber. In reality, this all goes back to sanctification. When the Holy Spirit comes into our hearts, we are not simply abandoned where we’re at. The Lord begins the slow process of sanctification in us as we continually slowly open our hearts more and more to Him (see 1 Peter 1:16-25 and Hebrews 12:14). The Lord calls us to a life of growing in holiness. If the Lord is holy, and He loves us and wants the best for us and wants to be with us, but we have to be made holy in order to be in His presence3 (see Revelation 21:22-27, 1 Peter 1:16-25, and Hebrews 12:14) but we also cannot be made holy by our own power, AND we are generally not completely holy when we die, it would simply make sense that the Lord would have a supernatural space where he could purify our souls before fully entering into His presence.

Let’s look at what purgatory is not, real fast: it is not a torture chamber (lol), it is not a space where you could be damned to hell and it is not a punishment. Rather, it’s a loving space for the Lord to finish the good work he’s done in you before you enter fully into His presence; a special grace of the Lord that allows us to “be Holy, for {He} is holy” (Hebrews 12:14). It’s a good thing :)

Mortal Sin + Confession

This one really took me a minute to wrap my head around, as I had always been taught “once saved always saved”. That being said, I also always believed that you had to repent to God whenever you sinned and wondered if those who professed to be Christian, but then turned away from the faith were saved or if they had to repent. That had always been a grey zone for me.

Mortal sin is not saying that anytime you sin you are kicked out of heaven. Rather, it’s intentionally rejecting God and saying you don’t want to be in relationship with Him anymore through committing a severe sin against one of the Ten Commandments and choosing not to repent. There’s 3 requirements for it to be a mortal sin:

1. Grave matter (serious sin against the 10 commandments)

2. Full knowledge (cannot be an accident — you know it’s very very wrong and you’re choosing to do it anyways)

3. Total consent (basically it’s actively saying “Lord, I know this is wrong + I don’t care about you, therefore I’m going to do this action in rebellion”)

If you choose to break off your relationship with God through choosing to commit a mortal sin, you’re choosing not to be in relationship with Jesus anymore and are rejecting salvation. That being said, Jesus is so amazingly loving and gracious and anytime we commit a mortal sin, He is right there loving us and waiting for us to repent. All we have to do is sincerely repent, and we are officially choosing salvation and relationship with Jesus again. Our relationship continues on with Jesus as if we never committed the mortal sin in the first place! Praise the Lord for that! :)

Mother Mary + the Saints

One day, in the middle of all my research, I found this photo of the annunciation (when the angel told Mary she was having Jesus).

I was floored by the image. I saved it and started meditating on it daily, asking the Holy Spirit to open my heart as He did Mary’s and that I would give my full and total yes to whatever He calls me to.

Shortly after that, I started praying the rosary nightly during some really intense, scary circumstances. The amount of peace I felt and the absolute joy and trust I had in Jesus instead of being terrified was so wild. I came out of those circumstances with minimal trauma when I should have truly been deeply traumatized based on prior experiences. I owe this all to the powerful Scripture meditation practice of the rosary and the prayer requests of Mother Mary.

That being said, I sensed and trusted that Mary was praying for me, but I definitely couldn’t articulate why. If I’m being real with you, I still have a really hard time concisely sharing “the why” (more to come in a bigger deep dive), but I do trust what the Church Fathers said. Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel here, I’m going to include a couple resources that do a really good job explaining the “why” of Mother Mary:

Jesus and the Jewish Roots of Mary

A little history of the Church Fathers’ writings on Mother Mary

At this point, I did have the foundation of trusting Sacred Tradition, and that has some pretty strong teachings on Mother Mary that date back to the very early church.

What truly solidified it for me, though, was a visit to Denver Art Museum. As I strolled around the European art section, I noticed some beautiful paintings of Mother Mary that were incredibly old. I did a quick google search and realized that early Christians painted Mother Mary and Saints on their tombs a sign of asking for their intercession for souls in purgatory. If the early church truly believed it, and if the Holy Spirit had preserved it through Sacred Tradition all these years, then I did too.

Side note: I was just scrolling back through a ton of old photos and found pictures I’d saved of Mother Mary from way back in grad school to now. I feel like she’s been tapping me on the shoulder for a lot longer than I realize. Her “fiat” (full yes to the Lord and acceptance of His plan) is something I fail at daily, but would really like to imitate in my own life.

My final findings as a late night amateur theologian

Ultimately, what I discovered from all of this research was life changing: in my opinion, often practicing protestants and Catholics honestly agree on about 90% of theology, but for the last 10% that makes all the difference, I agree more with the Catholic Church. If anything, it actually aligned more with what I had learned and studied in protestant seminary than any protestant church I’d been to.

There’s so much more I would love to talk about here. Yes, I skipped over the Eucharist, the Protestant Reformation + Counterreformation, a detailed bit about the Saints, and so much more. I might include a tiny bit more about all of this in my next article, but I think I’m going to focus on a deeper dive into these topics in a different series. It would really help me if you vote on which topic you’d want to hear about first in this series:)

Come back next week for the next (maybe final? Idk?) part on how another evangelical girl became Catholic, where I’ll share how I met my husband (no, it wasn’t flirt to convert situation), what confirmation, confession, receiving the Eucharist, and the sacraments were like, and much more!

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As always, subscribe if you’d like updates on this series and my other writings and share with a friend if this resonated with you :)

Also! My instagram dm’s (@mrs.kalynjeanpaige) and comment section are always open for thoughts and questions!

Take this as a little palate cleanser in the middle of an intense series (I’ll answer all the juicy questions about Mother Mary, mortal sin, the Eucharist, etc on Thursday? I reserve the right to push it back a week though if needed because dang those are some heavy holy topics and I want to write with care).

Without further ado, some of my favorite things I’ve been reading, listening to, and using this month!

Reading

Mistborn series | Brandon Sanderson

After a little over a year, I finally finished up this masterpiece of a series! My husband loves this series (he’s also a reader and especially loves Brandon Sanderson) and I’m now a converted fan as well. I realized there’s not many fantasy/scifi types of books marketed to women, but if you also enjoyed that genre in high school, I definitely recommend this series now.

Story of a Soul | Saint Therese

Have I read the book by my very own patron saint? Nope, but I’m working through it! Saint Therese is such a sweet soul. I love reading about her childlike faith in God + the concept that every little moment can lead to our sanctification.

Ruthless Elimination of Hurry | John Mark Comer

Re-reading for the 3rd time because I can feel my phone addiction slowly taking over. I revisit this book as an emergency pause button whenever I feel my nervous system getting a little on edge. So far, I’m trying to slow down some micro habits (the pace I walk, the amount of time I give myself to do things, etc), and I know that will make a big impact longterm.

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Podcasts I’m Listening To

Made Good

I realized the other day that there’s not too many podcasts that merge faith and wellness, even though we’re literally called to steward our bodies and told that they’re temples of the Holy Spirit! This podcasts is one of my few favs that talks about both. The thought that we are made good is so foundational to my own walk with Christ + can influence so much on our health journeys. Flo (the girl who hosts it) also has an audiobook I’m listening to which is truly life changing.

The Daily Nothings

Cute, girly, Catholic chit chat about faith, life, and pop culture. Need I say more?

The Ordinarius Podcast

This one holds such a special place in my heart as this girl almost became a Carmelite nun and I used to work for Carmelite Sisters. It’s such a hit of nostalgia for me + reminds me how I fell even more in love with Jesus a few years ago. Carmelite spirituality is so beautiful as it’s all about loving Jesus as much as you possibly can, and this podcast gives such simple practices and chats for the modern woman trying to do that.

Using (products, clothes, aesthetics, etc)

My mom’s label maker

One early morning, I decided it was time to make our pantry feel like Erewhon (a solid chunk of my spending money went to the Erewhon that was walking distance from my apartment when I lived in L.A.). I organized and filled all the random glass jam and salsa jars I had cleaned and stored for this very day, sticking the most perfect typewriter looking labels on each. My mom’s label maker will probably run out of ink by the time I’m done, so I will be buying my own label maker and some extra ink for her soon.

Crown Affair

This shampoo and conditioner smells and feels like Oribe, but it’s cheeper, doesn’t have endocrine disruptors, and leaves my hair feeling more clean and voluminous than any other ever has.

K18

An oldie but a goodie. I finally bit the bullet and bought this after my money piece broke to a curtain bang length again. My hair feels all better now.

Rosie / By Rosie

This fragrance is everything to me. Imagine a clean, cool girl scent (think Dedcool Milk), but add the most fresh feminine splash of pink roses (not your grandma’s perfume). This is one of the few perfumes that I truly can say has gotten me compliments from strangers (Glossier You is the other). And yet again, no endocrine disruptors!

Lawless lipgloss in shade Velvet

The perfect ballet pink lipgloss for summer! So nourishing, so girly.

Would love to hear what you loved this past month in the comments! Come back (hopefully) tomorrow to hear me chat more about my journey to the Catholic Church <3

Late 2010s, Tulsa, Oklahoma

In college, my denomination-hopping adventure began. A lot of students around me were members of “name it and claim it” types of churches. When I attended these churches, the sermons were often about the Pastor’s ex-girlfriend who he didn’t seem to be over yet and very little about Scripture. I had (and still have) a lot of sweet friends from this type of denomination who are such faithful followers of Christ + inspire my own faith, but I wasn’t finding many churches around me who seemed to be truly living out the call of Scripture.

Eventually, I found a temporary home in one of the few Anglican churches in Oklahoma (I just looked up this church again, and it looks like it’s Anglican inspired, but not officially Anglican). I walked into a warmly lit room; flowers adorned the ceilings and altar for Eastertide. We sang together, we asked the Holy Spirit for guidance together, we confessed together, and we took weekly communion together. The church fathers and tradition were not viewed as prehistoric, but rather honored and integrated into our liturgy and daily lives. The whole church was run by the liturgical calendar, a system I fell in love with that ultimately reorganized my own daily rhythms to stay connected with Christians throughout all of history and deepen my walk with Christ.

Late 2010s, my hometown Catholic parish in Colorado

When I was back in Colorado for a bit, my mom and I decided to attend an Ash Wednesday service at the Catholic parish down the street. I immediately felt at home there. The liturgy felt so similar to the one I loved back in Oklahoma, but a bit more formal and rich. The parish was simple and elegant. I couldn’t peal my eyes from the massive crucifix above the altar. After we received our ashes, my mom and I walked around the perimeter of the church praying the Stations of the Cross. The paintings leading us through the prayer were some of the most beautiful I’d ever seen, and I couldn’t help but tear up a bit. I’d never meditated on the crucifixion like that. I held a special place in my heart for our local parish.

Late 2010s/Early 2020s, Orange County, CA, many many different churches

College ended, seminary in California started, and I was a denominational nomad once more. California had an infinite amount of denominations to pick and choose from. For a little while, I went to a small liturgical, Anglican-ish church, but they didn’t seem to necessarily believe that the Holy Spirit moved today in the sense of gifts. Next was an ultra Charismatic church that I left mid sermon due to a pastor claiming you could all receive the gift of barking like a dog (he had previously been excommunicated by said denomination).

I went to every denomination I could find, from beachside surfer churches to small, traditional strip mall churches trying to reclaim some Church history through liturgy. I even visited an Orthodox Church a few times (I wasn’t a fan of how they treated women at that specific parish, and I couldn’t tell where they got their authority from, but I now have some dear Orthodox friends who are lovely). I landed back in an Anglican church for quite a while, but when confirmation was suggested, I realized I couldn’t support the way the denomination was started. I stopped going to church all together for a while. All of them seemed to lack something theologically, and I wasn’t finding a solid, Christ-following community at many of them.

Early 2020s, a Protestant seminary in Orange County, CA

In the middle of this season, my family underwent a lot of devastating news and change in a very short period of time, my friends moved away from Orange County, and I found myself grieving my way through grad school. I’d sulk in the back of every class in mostly black and embarrassingly short bangs. Tears springed to my eyes whenever the word “family” was mentioned (for those concerned, yes, I did get counseling).

Something heavy and magical started happening in those classes. We were required to read the Saints. I was appropriately assigned Dark Night of the Soul by Saint John of the Cross (which I admittedly listened to at 2x speed on Youtube, highly do not recommend that method of reading this masterpiece). His story and theology felt like a friend sitting with me in my grief filled living room. On a required silent retreat, I became friends with Saint Teresa of Avila and tried to guess where I was in my own Interior Castle. On the same retreat, I wandered through the sunny streets of San Francisco into Saint Frank’s coffee shop. Saint Francis was there to greet me warmly in the form of an icon painting at the front door with his story of hospitality posted next to it. The saints slowly emerged as friends offering a framework for my grief, how to move through it, and how to draw closer to Christ.

Early 2020s, a retreat house run by Catholic Nuns in Los Angeles

Eventually, my bangs grew out and I wore my ivory dresses and ballet flats once more. I moved to a cozy 200 sq foot vintage apartment in Los Angeles and accepted the most transformative job of my life: working for Catholic nuns (in reality, they’re Sisters, but I think you can group them as both? Correct me if I’m wrong). I won’t speak much of the actual job, but rather of what I’d like to think of as a little friendship that emerged that anyone who goes on retreats led by the Sisters has also experienced.

These sweet women devote their entire lives to loving Jesus and helping others draw close to Him. My first day there, I was met with a stunning bouquet, a Narnia computer background (they somehow remembered it’s my favorite book series), and the most beautiful reading recommendations about the very Saints I loved. I would take my lunch breaks in the rose gardens where the Sisters liked to pray, slowly strolling up and down the path, simply practicing being in the Presence of God. I was invited to join them for Mass a few times. The first time, I fumbled to find the right pages for the hymns and readings, but something about the a cappella echoing reverently off the stained glass windows and the sacred seriousness when each person knelt to receive the Eucharist moved me to tears.

At one event, I got to experience Eucharistic adoration for the first time. For those who don’t know, this is basically where the blessed bread from communion is framed in gold and we get to pray and meditate on the sacrifice Christ made. I knelt reverently at the back of the Chapel. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the blessed body of our Savior. All I could think about was His sacrifice and how astonishing it was that the Creator of the universe would humble Himself so much to die for me. It felt like the grounds of my soul were shifting ever so slightly in the Presence of our Lord. If I remember correctly, I believe I stayed there unmoved for almost an hour before a Sister had to nudge me to leave to help with printing some more handouts.

Outside of work, for the first time in a very, very long time, my daily life + habits began to change. I spent every free moment at cute cafes across Los Angeles reading books some of the Sisters had mentioned to me such as Fire Within and Hinds Feet in High Places. I took up painting again, filled my evenings with classic old films (The Sound of Music and others like it), noticed I was cussing a lot less, praying a lot more, and suddenly had no interest in yoga after previously getting my teacher certification.

Over time, I even found myself mirroring some of the rhythms of the sweet Sisters. I prayed stations of the Cross in my free time instead of scrolling, ate meals in silence while praying, meditating on Jesus, or reading a Christian book instead of binge watching Youtube, got up early to spend time with God instead of pressing snooze a million times, and even tried praying a bit of the rosary and Lectio divina. None of these were things that came very naturally to me; I truly believe spending time with women who so deeply loved Christ helped me to do the same.

Most importantly, after a few weak attempts at regularly attending church in the wake of grief, I went back to church very routinely. I tried a high church Anglican church again, but their origins still bothered me. I landed on a decently down to earth charismatic church for a while, but I did actually try a Catholic parish once. At that time, an hour of almost pure Latin was enough to scare me off (it was ultra traditional), but I made a little promise to the Lord, “If I ever find a parish like the one in my hometown, then I’ll give the Catholic Church a chance”.

Soon after that little promise, my family underwent a few waves of devastating news again. I found myself in a raging storm of drama, some of the deepest rejection I’ve ever felt, and grief. This time around, I did not cut short bangs or make darkness my closest friend. The Sisters surrounded me with prayers and presence and taught me about age-old deliverance prayers that fought fearlessly against the drama and trauma (my favorite recommendation is the Exorcism app, it makes me smile whenever I see it on my phone). In the midst of all of this, I got a call about a family emergency and immediately packed my bags to help in Colorado.

I’ll pick up the story next week, but please feel free to comment here or message me on IG (@mrs.kalynpaige) if you have any thoughts or questions :)

Also wanted to give a quick shout out to my sweet friends from seminary and my coworkers from the retreat house. They are still some of the strongest followers of Christ I know, were my rocks during so many life altering changes, and still inspire me to grow closer to Christ <3

This little series is incredibly vulnerable and close to my heart. So close to my heart that I’ve procrastinated posting it for months as the Lord has continued to prompt me to post it nonstop. Becoming Catholic has changed my life in the best possible way. It’s drawn me closer to Jesus, brought me my husband, and actually kind of started me on the path of gentle living in the first place years ago. I hope you enjoy this little story and I hope you know that God loves you no matter where you’re at with Him. <3

Late June 2024 in a cozy basement apartment in Colorado

“Whose authority are you willing to be under?” My friend asked over a pot of tea in her cozy apartment. I had just stopped going to the church I’d been attending for about a month; a trendy church with Baptist roots. I went to one of their membership classes and quickly realized they wouldn’t let women onstage and just seemed to have a negative view on women overall, yet they were unable to give an answer as to why. They seemed to sprinkle in a few verses about women being quiet during church and left it at that (from what I remember). I started driving to church that morning and suddenly got a gut wrenching urge not to go back.

“Every church ultimately has authority, you get to choose which one you’re willing to be under”

As I left my dear friend’s house that night, the question continued to echo. Whose authority am I willing to be under? I had attended almost every denomination out there, and none of them seemed to be a fully trustworthy source of authority. The church I was attending was definitely not it; if you’re going to limit women’s role in the church, you at least have to give a logical, Scriptural reason as to why and define what role we do have. Almost every church I could think of that did allow women to be full pastors who preached either seemed to completely ignore Scripture over different matters (defining genders, claiming communion could be any meal, etc), or didn’t have any structure or solid teaching (think a random non-denominational church founded by a 20 year old who’s never been to seminary. I personally didn’t want him to be my source of authority). I considered the Anglican church, as they do allow for women deacons to speak, but honestly their authority ultimately came from a man who founded the church to divorce his wife; something I couldn’t get behind.

The only way I could understand the need for a male pastor was the fact that Christ is the ultimate groom and the Church is His bride, therefore that marital dynamic must be reflected in a smaller way on earth. If that were the case, though, it would require a pastor to sacrifice absolutely everything for the Church as Christ does for His bride. I wouldn’t trust anything less than that as my authority, and I honestly hadn’t witnessed that in any denomination yet.

And then I considered the Catholic Church. The priests give up their whole lives for the sole vocation of caring for the Church as Christ does. They lay down their desires to marry, to have kids, to live successful careers, to live an average life to actually be Christ to the Church. As I thought of this, the Lord broke open my heart to the beautiful reality that He structured His church in a specific way so that we could experience His love through the authority of the priests, and ultimately the Pope, who (although they are also broken people) sacrifice everything for the good of Christ’s Church.

I decided to log off of social media for a while and put my full free time into researching the Catholic Church. My whole summer was spent reading the Catechism at 1am, praying for discernment, attending Mass regularly, spending time in Eucharistic adoration, clumsily starting to pray the rosary, seeking out the perspective of people I trusted, and listening to audiobooks and podcasts by well regarded protestants and Catholics on Church history.

I quickly discovered that the Holy Spirit had woven a golden thread of Catholicism throughout my whole life, whether I knew it or not at the time.

You know when you find a Pinterest recipe and the person rambles endlessly about their childhood on the prairies of Oklahoma and being raised by their grandma and you just want to skip to the recipe? I’m going to pull one of those right now, but I promise all of this info is actually truly relevant to understanding the final outcome of my journey. :)

Late 90s - Early 2000s at a popular evangelical church in Colorado

As long as I can remember, Jesus has been my best friend. I was baptized as an infant in the Trinitarian formula (“I baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit”), and I truly always believed that something special happened in that moment where the Lord drew me near to Him. I always loved talking about Jesus, would hold mini Bible studies in our backyard treehouse for the neighborhood kids, and absolutely adored church. I can’t remember a moment of my life where I haven't passionately loved Jesus.

Each and every Sunday growing up, we would rush to church blasting K-love and take our usual seats in the balcony (what some parishioners lovingly named the introvert section). Colored lights filled the air as worship leaders jumped around singing Chris Tomlin songs. Despite the concert-like worship, our pastor was a sweet, wise man who I secretly believed had memorized the entire Bible. I (a rather studious kid who mastered the art of reading C.S. Lewis while walking to P.E. class) would sit on the edge of my seat as he rattled off Scripture and Greek and Hebrew from memory like he was a polyglot. The early church slowly took shape in my imagination during his sermons.

Communion Sunday was one of my favorite days of the month. I’d spend the time in between arranging a makeshift pulpit out of a stool, breaking whole grain bread and pouring organic grape juice in my room, and reverently reciting Luke 22:19 as I passed communion out to my congregation of dolls and stuffed animals.

When communion Sunday finally arrived, I’d soak in every detail. The way we all stood and sat and partook while meditating on Christ’s sacrifice echoed something of another world to me. The gold plates glittered richly as I carefully selected my small pellet cracker and grape juice. I allowed the bread to melt on my tongue, how good is our Lord to die for us?

Outside of church, much of my community was actually Catholic. My mom’s whole side of the family was Catholic, and my neighborhood friends who weren’t from this megachurch were mostly Catholic. We read the Bible together, played together, and prayed together. My friend’s mom Lauren even gifted me a four way cross. It was the most beautiful necklace I’d ever seen with images of Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary, and more impressed in it. Lauren taught me all about the Trinity using that necklace, and I would always wear it when I wanted to feel especially close to God. It quickly became one of my prized possessions (this and Lauren will come back much later in my story).

Early 2010s, private Christian school in Colorado

In middle school, my private Christian school took us on a field trip to a Catholic Church so we could learn about a religion that was “different than ours” (which I personally thought was a little silly). We entered a stunning parish with a massive crucifix and an altar in the center. The priest stood in front of the altar and (from what I remember) patiently explained that the main difference between our beliefs was that they believed that Jesus was actually present in the Eucharist. After all, Christ says in John 6 that He is the bread of life and that His “flesh is real food and [His] blood is real drink”. I instantly agreed with the priest. If Christ could turn water into wine and rise again from the dead, then why couldn’t He actually mean what He said in John 6? I secretly held this belief about the Eucharist in my heart.

Up until probably middle school or high school, I held a deep, intuitive belief that all humans are created good, but we have the choice to go down an evil path or the path towards the Lord through abiding in Him. It’s our job to encourage one another to become who God created us to be and to abide in Christ so He can transform us into who we were created to be. In one of my theology or ethics classes, I proudly wrote a paper on this very topic. It was returned with red ink scribbling “total depravity” all over it, a topic my teacher began to preach from his classroom pulpit. Perhaps I misinterpreted the lectures or perhaps the teacher held extreme views, but regardless, I came out of the class embarrassed and believing every part of me was ultimately bad and every thought, decision, dream, and idea came from a source of bad in me, so it must be strictly submitted to God because only He could do good and be good and anything I did that might seem good was probably bad. As you can imagine, this did a work on my self confidence, worldview, and ambitions as a young teenager.

Side note: John 15 popped up for me as I was writing this, where it says, “Apart from me, you can do nothing”. This is one of my favorite verses. I’m not saying that we have the ability to become who God created us to be purely on our own (no works based salvation here), but rather that God created us good, and when we choose to continually abide in Him, He sanctifies us into who He designed to become. To put it simply, all good comes from God, God created us good, we chose bad and separation from Him, and in continually choosing to abide in Christ, we choose Him and His goodness and He does the good work of sanctification in us and gives us the grace to do good. I could talk about this forever, so I’ll have another section on this later haha.

And on that note, I think I’ll pause here, as the next part gets into college, adulthood, exploring denominations, etc. Come back next week for part 2.

Also! If you have any questions about the Catholic Church, feel free to comment them below or dm me on IG (@mrs.kalynpaige). I’ll be talking more about my theological deep dive in a few weeks and would love to incorporate any questions :)

Since college, I’ve had a ritual of turning on a Fleetwood Mac vinyl, lighting a PF Candle Co candle, and drinking a fresh French press while flipping through the New York Times. Sometimes I’d cut out little pictures or ads that really inspired me and frame them on my wall. There’s something so magical about a slow Sunday flipping through physical articles written by actual humans.

As the world has become even more tech heavy and AI bots are becoming therapists, I, like many others, have been craving a more analog life. This has manifested in so many ways, from silent retreats to attempts at jumpstarting my reading addiction again. None of them have permanently solved my endless scrolling, but some have helped a little. I think like so many things, the goal should be balance, not perfection.

Some of my current favorite ways to live an analog life:

• Throw your iPhone in a lake (I wish)

• Set boundaries: Part of my Lent this year included a strict no-scrolling rule and some limits around when I could check Instagram. Guys, I can’t even tell you how refreshing this was and how this has transformed my social media usage so far (it’s only been a few days since Lent is over lol, but I’m hoping it sticks). I noticed I felt so much less empty in my free time and more drawn towards writing for Substack, getting outdoors, and quality time with loved ones. I’d highly recommend pinpointing what feels most addictive about social media to you, then strongly putting boundaries around that specific part of it. Brick has also become my best friend when setting boundaries, it holds me accountable when all I want to do is scroll.

• The practice of discipline: I’ve been learning discipline > motivation lately, and it’s truly changed my life. My latest habit has been choosing to do one thing I don’t want to do per day. More often than not, this waterfalls into doing many things I’ve been putting off and getting way closer to my goals than I ever would've if I just sat around waiting to be motivated. When I don’t feel motivated, and I’m not focused on being disciplined, I find myself relying on tech, social media, and convenience. When I rely on discipline, I feel more grounded and grateful for where I’m at.

• Alloted prayer time (and one that you can actually sustain): The Lord desires us to simply show up and spend time with Him. When I don’t have a very specific plan for when I’m going to sit and pray, I again, start to turn to social media and tech. I’ve found that even just spending 10 minutes in prayer when I first get up makes me more aware of God throughout the day and more drawn to spending time talking with Him versus filling up my free time with endless scrolling.

• Design your own personal analog dopamine menu: I think this is such a cute trend rn. My current (mostly) analog dopamine menu includes

  • Substack

  • Writing + reading (currently Saint Therese of Liseaux’s book)

  • Baking gf recipes

  • Obsessively trying to make the best matcha ever

  • Cleaning (my goal is to make my house feel like a boutique hotel)

  • Going to Church to pray (still getting into this rhythm again)

  • Thrifting

  • Getting sunlight

  • Working out (I love my strength training + Pilates class split atm)

    Lmk if you’d like a guide on how to design your own personal analog dopamine menu :)

  • oing to library for movies + books

• Going to the library for movies > streaming services: This has truly been such a game changer for me and my family. Once a week, we go to the library to pick out a movie to watch together, then return it the next week. This has heavily reduced my own decision fatigue and gives a little Blockbuster nostalgia each week.

How are you feeling about the analog trend? What’s keeping you grounded in daily life rn? I’d love to hear any tips, as this is something I’m majorly still working on <3

• I know you want to eat pancakes and the worst coffee ever at IHOP with your friends at 1am, but please, I beg of you, get some sleep instead. The more sleep you get, the less anxiety you’ll have, and the more focus + energy you’ll have to pursue your dreams. Sleep is a commodity. Do not sacrifice it.

• It’s okay to experiment, to figure out what you like + dislike in this world. You don’t have to have your whole career outlined and color coded yet.

• One day very soon you’ll spontaneously chop your hair which will then influence you to try a whole lot of different hairstyles and colors. Please put down the scissors, research personal style + seasonal color analysis, and focus on what’s actually flattering for you.

• Learn your core values and never compromise them. This will lead you to the best friendships, career choices, give you discernment with which dreams to follow, strengthen your faith, and lead you to the man of your dreams. There will be times where following these values will lead you to lonely places, but please know that you’ll never regret it.

I love you lots. There’s a life of so much beauty ahead <3

Love,

29-year-old Kalyn <3

(evidence of the hair chop that was fun for a few days)

March is a month of flower buds, bright days, creative nights, and birthday cake (for me). It’s one of my favorite months, so it felt like the perfect month to start a monthly challenge series of ways to live a more gentle life.

1. Bake weekly 🧁🥐🤎

   My current obsession is finding vintage cookbooks at thrift stores. I recently found a Better Homes and Garden cookbook that used to be tucked in my mom’s kitchen, and it’s my new favorite thing. Once I realized all you really need is flour (gluten free Trader Joe’s mix for me), eggs, butter, baking soda and powder, and sugar (my fav is coconut sugar) to make any yummy breakfast pastry, I started keeping each in stock at all times. It makes each day just a little more fun, feminine, and creative.

2. Wear clothes that feel authentically you, even if it feels a little risky

   Don’t even get me started on the personal style rabbit hole (I have a whole separate series of blog posts coming out on this soon). In my busy caregiving schedule, I find this is the easiest way to connect with myself, be creative, express my personality, and bring a little peace to my day. Especially in seasons of change, putting a little extra time and effort into developing an authentic personal style is so grounding. This month, I challenge you to wear the piece of clothes at the back of your closet that you love but are a little scared to pair in an outfit.

3. Stop at garage sales (or something that brings you a little bit of joy) spontaneously

   As I’m writing this, my husband just called me saying he’s stopping by a garage sale spontaneously haha! For us, garage sale hunts are times of connection, joy, and a spontaneous break in our routines. This might also look like vintage shopping for you, or it might be spontaneously stopping by your favorite local coffee shop and treating yourself to a freshly brewed pour-over. Basically, find something you adore that can bring a little rest and delight to your day and allow your routine to be interrupted.

4. 1 cup of matcha each day

   My love for matcha started at Erewhon with their Rishi matcha with Himalayan salt and raw honey. Truly the most delicious combo! Matcha is my current go to source of naturally occurring L-theanine, an amino acid that increases brain waves that promote relaxation, calmness, and focus. L-theanine is personally one of my favorite amino acids. As a naturally overthinking girlie, making sure I get a little bit each day helps me show up better for myself and everyone around me. 10/10 recommend.

5. Find your signature scent

   Something about the fresh March air makes me want to wear a perfectly fitted sundress and signature perfume. 3 years ago, I landed on Glossier You as my perfect creamy, feminine scent packed with so many beautiful memories. Right now I’m experimenting with Amal by Layermor mixed with a Pacifica Vanilla body spray for a bit of a spicier, bolder scent to switch off with. There’s just something so chic and elegant about having a perfume that smells like you and reminds you of sweet memories.

   (also, lmk if you’d like a blogpost on non-endocrine disrupting fragrances! it’s become a passion project of mine to find the most delicious smelling ones)

6. Plan some cozy movie days for the colder March days

   My husband and I cancelled our streaming services for Lent, and it’s honestly been such a breath of fresh air. We head to the library once a week and choose a movie to snuggle up and watch together over the course of a few days. It’s quickly becoming a favorite weekly ritual of mine.

7. Plan a weekly outdoor adventure

   We’ve been blessed with a spring-like March for once here in Colorado, and my inner California girl is thriving. The other day we explored Red Rocks for the first time in years, and it felt like I was back in Joshua Tree or Death Valley (two of my favorite places). I notice a serious shift in my mental and physical health when I spend a little time in the sun, so this is quickly becoming a non-negotiable for me. Find a spot outdoors that feels bright and lifegiving to you and try to carve out time weekly to explore!

Hope your month is filled with fun thrift finds and fresh baked goods <3

Living in a crunchy household during the early 2000s, we pulled our homeopathics and essential oils out of hibernation each flu season. My room was filled with a cloud of eucalyptus oil, and Zicam + silver spray found a temporary home on my bedside table next to a big stack of Nancy Drew audiobooks. By the end of the season, my room smelled like a spa, and I felt restored. Between my healthy childhood rhythms, my obsession with Huberman, and my constant journey to find nourishing routines for my body, I now have a set rhythm of simple daily habits that help my body thrive during flu season.

A wellness care package from me to you for flu season:

(none of the links are sponsored, just products that have truly helped me a lot)

1. Zinc

   I’ve spent countless hours browsing the aisles of Natural Grocers and Mother’s Market trying to find an immunity supplement that would help me instantly feel better. Then, Mary Ruth Organics gifted me a liquid zinc supplement a few years back, and it changed my life. I now use the Himalaya Hello Immunity supplement on a daily basis to build up my immunity, and I haven’t gotten sick since using it, even while taking care of people who are sick.

2. Magnesium, magnesium, magnesium

   I deal with slight insomnia during the winter with lower amounts of sun exposure, and magnesium is one of the only things that helps me relax and fall asleep. I’m a little obsessed with it; I take regular magnesium baths with a red light, magnesium spray for my TMJ daily, and drink Wooden Spoon Magnesium with blue spirulina for detox properties every night before bed. It truly helps my body feel so calm and ready to sleep off any illnesses that come at me.

3. Manuka Honey

   Confession: I first tried this because I saw the aesthetic packaging at Erewhon and instantly became obsessed. I’m a sucker for pretty marketing. I did more research, though, and studies show that Manuka honey actually has many antibacterial properties in it that help fight illnesses (see the link in the research section below). Now, I take little packets of Manuka honey and Manuka honey lozenges whenever I start to feel under the weather.

4. Ancient Sea Salt Spray

   This is a newer addition to my supplement stack, even though it’s only kind of a supplement? I’ve always gotten better quicker from sickness when I’m near the ocean and taking regular walks by the sea. When I saw this spray in Natural Grocers, I figured it might have the same effect in the dry desert of Colorado. Sure enough, I use it daily and found that it helps me breathe so much better. There’s also quite a bit of research around the effects of seawater on respiratory health, linked below.

5. Low-stimulation movies and tv shows

   Keeping my nervous system regulated is basically my second job during the winter. I’ve learned from my Oura ring that stressful, high-pace tv shows and movies tend to spike my stress levels (who would’ve thought). Below are some of my favorite cozy, restorative shows:

   • The Chosen

   • The Saints

   • Gilmore Girls

   • Murder She Wrote

   • Old Disney movies (the Parent Trap + Princess Diaries are my favs)

6. Trader Joe’s Bone Broth

   Just like everyone else, I’ve hopped on the daily bone broth trend. I love its electrolytes, protein, and nutrient dense properties for staying healthy. This Trader Joe’s one is my all time favorite. It’s cheap, organic, and does the job. I especially love sprinkling in some Celtic sea salt and fresh oregano from my oregano plant.

7. Air purifier

   My mom was so sweet and got us an Austin air purifier for our wedding. I grew up with one, and it truly does improve the air quality so much. There’s actually research too on immunity benefits of air purifiers (linked below). I’ve linked one that is more affordable and from a brand I like for humidifiers, as well as the Austin air purifier website here :)

8. Gentle movement + getting outdoors

   I’m blessed to call Colorado home where daily movement is a non-negotiable and the sun shines over 300 days a year. There really is something to getting gentle movement and fresh air during the crisp winter months, both for our mental health and physical health. I opt for staying in tune with what type of movement my body needs each day + trying to make walking my go to dopamine habit. Some of my current go-to workouts include:

   • Walking + hiking everywhere I can

   • Calisthenics

   • Getting in a good lift session at the gym + pairing it with a nourishing post-workout sauna session

   • Pietra stretching (a Catholic program that pairs stretching with prayer)

   • Chasing after my cat

More reading on research by people way more qualified than me (thanks NIH for all the free resources):

Zinc Fact Sheet

Manuka Honey Research

Sea Water, Saline, and the Respiratory System

Bone Broth Benefits

Air Purifiers for Immunity

“Learn to abide with attention in loving waiting upon God in a state of quiet. Contemplation is nothing else than a secret, peaceful, and loving infusion of God, which if admitted, will set the soul on fire with the Spirit of love” - Saint John of the Cross

Imagine a time you felt incredibly connected to God — a time when you sensed His Presence vividly. Now, imagine carrying that experience of being with God into your daily chores, work, and routines. Contemplative prayer is the art of staying receptive to God’s love and loving Him as fully and completely as we can in the midst of our daily lives.

This is the space where we are honest about our emotions and lives to our loving Creator, and we allow space for our souls to be transformed — we say yes to the transformation and relationship He desires in our souls.

In the Spiritual Disciplines Handbook by Adele Ahldberg Calhoun, contemplation is described as a transformational space of setting our minds and hearts on God in love;

“Life makes it evident that what we contemplate shapes us. Saints down through the ages have trusted that contemplating the truth, beauty, and goodness of the Trinity could ultimately shape and change their souls. The interior transformation that the saints call ‘divine union’ is a fruit of this contemplation” (Calhoun, 240).

Contemplation is a transformative action, a way of posturing our entire beings toward the reality of God. This strengthens our hearts, souls, and minds as we submit to His sanctifying work and prepares us to properly battle the powers and principalities of darkness. It unveils the spiritual battle that is always happening and reorients our beings towards our good, loving Creator and in the good, loving people He’s shaping us into.

Practicing Contemplation

There are so many ways to practice contemplation, but here are some I’ve found especially helpful:

• Simply sitting and meditating on the presence of Christ, who He is, and what He did and is doing. Focus on one attribute of Christ or Christ’s story. Sit with it, notice what stands out to you about Christ in that moment.

• Gazing at sacred art and objects such as a crucifix, interpretive paintings of Christ or Scripture, or enjoying God’s creation. This helps us ground ourselves in the reality of Christ with us. Notice what truth rises in your heart about our Lord during this time.

• Silently being with the Lord. Mother Teresa famously said, “Silence is at the root of our union with God and with one another.” Simply experience being with God, noticing His Presence with you, like you would enjoy sitting with a loved one in silence. Perhaps He’ll say something, perhaps He’ll just enjoy your company too.

• Interior prayer through noticing God in every moment. Be real with the Lord in all times throughout your day, practicing constant inner conversation with Him and revealing your inner dialogue to Him. A good way to start this is through using a traditional prayer throughout the day to remind yourself of God’s presence with you, then slowly shift into continual dialogue with Him.

All of these are designed to meet God in the depths of your heart and the reality of your life. If you try one, I’d love to hear how it goes! You can always comment below, or message me on Substack or Instagram (@kalyn.jean) to continue chatting about contemplative prayer.

Ever since I was little, I would draw close to God and tell Him all my emotions. My journals were filled with pages and pages of whatever I was going through and listening to whatever the Lord had to say about it — whether it be conviction or comfort.

On the other hand, I used to read so much about how God wasn’t a vending machine and hear about the fake magic tricks of the “name it and claim it gospel,” so I accidentally avoided intercessory prayer altogether. I believed that the Lord primarily cared about the heart and its deep transformation and sanctification. The Lord does truly care so deeply about that (I’ll talk more about that in next week’s article), but the Lord also does care about our current circumstances.

Let’s look at one of the ultimate models for prayer in the Bible, the Lord’s Prayer/Our Father prayer:

“Our Father, Who art in Heaven,Hallowed be Thy Name.Thy Kingdom come. Thy Will be done,on earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.”

Jesus lays out such a beautiful, simple structure to prayer; creating space for gratitude, intercession, supplication, forgiveness, and deliverence. Today, we’ll focus especially on the intercession portion: “Thy Kingdom come. Thy Will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

The Lord cares about aligning earth with Heaven, with restoring the brokeness and circumstances on this earth to the harmony of His will.

In intercessory prayer, we ought not to simply pray for whatever we want to be done in others’ lives, but for His will to be done, for His harmony to be restored on the earth. And in praying for our needs and the needs of others, we also learn to accept that the Lord can work all circumstances for good, whether it be a circumstance used for learning to rely on Him, learning to find joy in suffering, or learning the consolation of His works in our lives. There’s a rhythm of trust in intercessory prayer, in praying for an outcome and praying for the aligning of our hearts, desires, and circumstances with the Lord’s will. We must learn that every moment can be formational and allow our good Father to draw us near to His heart in it all.

A Simple Intercessory Prayer:

Lord, thank You for Your blessings in my life (take a moment to present what you’re thankful for to the Lord). I acknowledge that every circumstance, good and bad, can be used for your glory and for the formation for the good of those who love You. Please align earth with Heaven in (state your request). May we see your hand move, may Your presence be near. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Centering prayer is a practice that creates space for our souls to draw close to God’s presence and notice His ever present movement within us.

It’s rooted deep in the history of Christianity, going back to our Church Fathers and Mothers. Many practice it for about 20 minutes every morning and evening, I also have found it transformational to practice it whenever I’m feeling a little too overwhelmed throughout the day.

Simple Guide to Centering Prayer:

1. Prayerfully choose a sacred word that invites Christ to move as He will in your soul.

2. Open your time with praying that word as an invitation.

3. Still your thoughts. When you feel your mind wandering, simply repeat your chosen sacred word.

4. Notice where you sense the presence of Christ with you.

The ministry Contemplative Outreach offers a beautiful guide and history to centering prayer if you’re interested in learning more.

One more thing: a new episode of Modern Seminarian, a podcast me and my friends host, came out last weekend! We discussed a listening prayer prompt and offered it to our listeners as well if you’d like to join in.

Creation works in a simple obedience of dependency and rhythm, silently singing the Lord’s tenderness and holiness in every moment.

We ourselves are created to adopt a similar type of pattern; a dance of dependency and rhythm.

In dependency, we may rest in His easy yoke.

In rhythm, we may actively follow Him.

The two form a sacred dance of the soul; a tender rest that leads to an active following that leads to a tender rest. The more we continue practicing this dance, the more we know it’s steps by heart. Over many years, these steps form a life of abiding in Christ.

So how do we participate in these sacred steps? There’s a few simple, ancient practices that help us along our way.

In actively following, we might look to intercessory prayer, lectio divinas, listening prayer journaling, stewardship, and rules of life as mentors.

In allowing our souls to rest in the Lord, we may turn to contemplative prayer, silent retreats, solitude, and Sabbath.

In the next few weeks, we’ll unveil the wisdom each of these practices carry.

For now, I’ll leave you with this practice:

Set aside a bit of time to step out into nature. Gaze around at all that God has created. How does it impact your soul? What rises up in your mind and heart?

Pray the following verse in the presence of your Creator and see what bubbles up in your heart and mind.

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they reveal knowledge. They have no speech, they use no words; no sound is heard from them. Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world… The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.” (Psalm 19:1-4)

Contemplative Prayer

Simply be silent before the Lord. His stillness in our desert seasons tempts us to fight and cry and grasp on to every false security we’ve created for ourselves. He loves our honesty, but He also loves our silence. The simple silent trust that we do not know, we do not control, we do not create the fullness of our futures. We rely on Him, whatever He chooses to offer in that moment. Perhaps He offers His steady stillness, perhaps a gentle whisper, perhaps a sweeping revalation that changes the hue of your soul forever. Silently gazing at our Lord and acknowledging that He is Lord is one of the purest forms of trust we could ever have.

Breath Prayer

This ancient practice originated with the desert fathers and mothers as a form of confession and abiding in the Lord in every breath. It’s a way for us to recenter, to attune our wandering hearts to the work of the Holy Spirit at any moment. My current breath prayer is a simple meditation on the Lord’s promise: “(Inhale) abide in me, (exhale) and I in you”. An even more common one is known as the Jesus Prayer: “(Inhale) Jesus Christ, Son of God, (exhale) have mercy on me, a sinner”. Each of these echo the truth that God is sustaining our every breath, our every moment. He is in us, before us, sanctifying us, and working through us.

Scripture Memorization

This one’s a recent one for me. I associated Scripture memorization with Sunday school programs where I could get bigger prizes for reciting bigger Bible passages, but now, 20 years later, many of those verses still rise up in my heart when needed. Scripture becomes a familiar friend I can turn to throughout my day. It does sometimes feel dry to repeat the same verses day after day, but every time I return to it, I’m reminded that I can find my home in Christ no matter what is happening around me, and He is transforming me beyond what I can see.

Praying the Psalms

Psalms create a language for us to verbally vomit the depths of our souls to our loving Creator. Only in this brutal honesty, He can soften and unravel the darkness and light in all of us, sculpting them both into who He created us to be. One practice I’ve found especially helpful is declaring a Psalm over my day every morning. Whether it be a cry of desparation or a celebration, this reminds me that my Creator cares about my every emotion, whatever may come throughout the day.

Silent Retreat

When are souls have held all they can bear and exhaustion of our limitations makes us parched, a silent retreat gives us permission to meet in the garden with God, to focus on His tender Presence and allow Him to unravel our tightly wound expectations and pressures. They clarify, simplify, and reveal golden threads of what actually matters. These 24-48 hours of clearing a path for the Lord in my schedule have absolutely transformed every minute of my life. I’ll write a longer article on this soon — I’ve experienced the Lord strip away and heal so many wounds and false securities in silence and solitude, so I’d love to share this longer story of healing with you.

Christian Counseling + Christian Spiritual Direction

I’ve personally found the combination of these two crucial to walking through every season of the soul. Christian counseling provides understanding around how God designed me on a psychological/behavioral level; Christian spiritual direction reveals how God sees me on a heart/soul level. Both touch on different aspects of our shadow sides and light sides and how the Holy Spirit is working to sanctify absolutely all of who we are. If you’d like to find someone to partner with you on your own journey with Jesus, I’ve linked two resources below that have been especially helpful:

Find a Christian Counselor

Find a Christian Spiritual Director

I’m also so grateful to announce that this fall, I am working to finish up my Christian Spiritual Director certification! This years-long journey has transformed the way I see community, abiding in God, mental and spiritual health, and my entire life philosophy. I’m so thankful and honored to enter into ministry soon. I’ll have more anouncements down the road about the types of services I’ll be offering as a Christian spiritual director, but for now, I’d be so deeply grateful if you could be praying for discernment, steadiness, and perserverance for me!

I couldn’t help but imagine what the Israelites must have felt like wandering through the desert for forty years. Granted, my desert experience was only about two-three hours long in very different circumstances (it was actually a lot of fun sledding down the dunes), and there weren’t actually sand dunes in the regions the Israelites wandered through, but there was a disorienting feeling to the trek, a total cultivation of one-step-at-a-time level trust.

In order to better decipher and navigate our own spiritual desert seasons (those seasons where it feels like we don’t know where the Lord is taking us despite what He’s said, and it feels like there’s no end in sight), let’s explore the map presented in the Bible of the Israelites’ 40 year desert season.

The Psalms summarize this wandering of the Israelites in a jarring way — as a lack of trust; a hardening of heart;

“For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture, and the sheep of His hand. Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness, when your fathers put me to the test and put me to the proof, though they had seen my work. For forty years I loathed that generation and said, ‘They are a people who go astray in their heart, and they have not known my ways.’ Therefore I swore in my wrath, ‘They shall not enter my rest.’” Psalm 95:7-11 (ESV)

Let’s start with the lighter part of this account — the implication that if we go through the Lord’s process of softening our hearts, there is rest. The wilderness seemed to cultivate this deep reliance that comes with knowing the character of the Lord. When we cultivate this reliance on Him, it allows us to then rest in Him. In the openness of our hearts to His leading, no matter how scary or overwhelming the next step may seem, we submit our souls to the rest of the Lord’s easy yoke.

This leads to two questions: what does the hardening of our hearts look like versus the softening of our hearts? And what does it mean if the Lord has us journey through a desert season?

To answer these, we must look at the heart of the Israelites’ wandering. Numbers 13:1-33 describes how the Lord called the Israelites in to a fruitful, beautiful new land, but when they scoped out the new land, their beautiful future, they were scared by the battles they would have to fight to enter it. The Lord responded to this fear in Numbers 14:11;

“And the Lord said to Moses, ‘How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them?’”

The Lord sent the Israelites into the wilderness because of their fear; their doubt that God would fulfill His side of His promise and calling to them. Ultimately, this is identified as rebellion, despising the Lord, and disobedience (Hebrews 3:18). Doubt and fear in the Lord’s calling and next step is a form of disobedience and rebellion.

Let’s pause for a moment here. Wandering through the desert for fourty years can feel like an extreme punishment for fear and doubt. It can also feel especially harsh to identify doubt and fear as disobedience to the Lord. If you struggle with any form of anxiety like me, your next temptation might be to fear fear itself. This, then, leads to a whole hijacking of fear until you’re trying to avoid fear out of a place of fear, and just simply get overwhelmed about what fear might mean in your walk with God. Take a few deep breaths and read these verses:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:15-16)

“God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?… For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees.” (Hebrews 12:7 and 11-12)

May we first gently acknowledge that fear and doubt is part our fallen nature, our internal rebellion against God.

It’s a heart posture of believing we know how to preserve ourselves and get from Point A to Point B better than the Lord does, a heart posture of witholding our trust and affection from Him. The result of this for the Israelites: learning step-by-step reliance on the Lord through wandering for forty years before reaching His promise of fruitfulness and rest. The result of this for us: the grace of a formation experience of step-by-step reliance on God so that our hearts may be softened and we can be led into rest, trust, and fruitfullness in His Spirit.

May we learn to accept that the desert season is not discipline in the sense of punishment, but rather, the gift of formation from the Lord to re-attune our wandering hearts to Him.

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I invite you to join me next Wednesday in gently exploring what this journey with the Spirit looks like practically,but for now…

If you find yourself in a desert season, as you wrestle with walking step by step in a time that might feel endless, as you thirst for seeing the fruit of where God is leading you, may you remember these things:

• Like the manna God provides the Israelites, He will provide sustainance for you as well. The path of of patience is long and hard, but well worth it.

• You are precious to Him. He sees your longings, He sees every aspect of your heart. The best thing we can do with these seasons is be honest with Him about our fear, doubt, and all our emotions. He is big enough to hold, care for, and transform our hearts into our true selves — the souls He designed us to be.

What would it look like for us to simply focus on the present next step and allow our souls to rest in Jesus’ presence in our current space? To trust that wherever our paths lead, Jesus is guiding us into a more intimate space of abiding and sanctification with each step?

As a self-proclaimed daydreamer, the practice of presence is definitely not intuitive to me. When my actual life is non-relational or doesn’t feel beautiful, my natural inclination is to sink into the potential future. Serendipitous encounters, roadtrips, and salty, sunny days at the ocean swallow up my imagination. It takes an intentional awareness of Jesus as my first love and openly allowing Him to reorient my thoughts and desires in that space.

Often, what I find is when I allow Christ to reorient my thoughts, and simply stay focused on my actual surroundings and the actual presence of Christ where I’m at, a new type of magic is unveiled. I find richness in the dishes, the finances, the abrupt uncontrollable changes to life (alright, I’m still working on that last one) simply because I get to live life with the Creator of the universe who is truly the only sustainable, stable presence in our entire lives. How beautiful is that?!

Close your eyes for a moment. Take one deep breath in, one deep breath out. What’s going on in your present space? One more deep breath — in and out. Where do you sense Jesus in your current space and circumstance? Hold your hands open. Talk to Him about where your mind is wandering, let Him unravel it. He is truly the only one who can unravel our hearts, minds, souls, and lives.

May Jesus be deeply present with you today,

K.J.

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In the realm of spiritual formation, we talk a lot about capacities. Anger, love, hope, and sadness are all beautiful gifts we have, but they got warped when we swapped the full love and acceptance of our all-powerful Creator for autonomy (that nagging feeling that we have to prove ourselves to everyone around us). In relationships, we compulsively wonder, “does this person really like me?”. At work, we adapt to the idea that success determines at least some of our personal value. Autonomy is our core motivation, it keeps us going.

Or maybe there’s another way.

What would it look like to release our false beliefs, sacrifice our motivator of autonomy, and be brutally honest about our feelings with the Creator of our souls who wants nothing more than to be with us?

This newsletter is an exploration of what it looks like to allow our full acceptance by God to motivate us rather than our fears of inadequacy. I believe God cherishes every little moment of your life, from the steam of your morning coffee to those victories at work. Join me on this journey of discovering the “other way” Christ calls us to — a path that says you are always fully loved and fully accepted by the Creator of the Cosmos.

-K.J.